Are you really ok?

Of course my life is not all roses. There are times when I get depressed, frustrated, annoyed and impatient, among other things. Most of the time, I would just say "Yup, I'm ok." But how many times was that actually true?

I hate being fussed about and being in the center of attention, especially when I feel there are a lot more important issues to deal with or I find my predicament too mundane for other people to get bothered with it. I'd rather focus my energies on helping someone else than having my issues dealt with (yes I have issues even if I look like I have none with my supposedly sunny personality). Guilt eats me up because I feel something I think I'm not supposed to feel. I find myself saying yes even when I have no idea what I put myself into or I had no time to do it, just to become somebody else's answer for something. I can be very hard on myself for other people's convenience. For me, other people's happiness of my primary concern. It's how I'm programmed, you might say. I keep complaints to myself and I immediately think of an explanation to what has recently happened, so I can jump back into the groove of things.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to stay long in the groove. I jump back but slide down. Jump back and slide down again. It can really be an exasperating cycle, you know. And it's all because I like to control my life with a remote control, where I can fast forward the depressing, tedious and worrisome events in my life, which are more often than not rooted to my feelings.

Time and again, Peejo would tell me that all feelings are valid, because we're all human beings. It's okay to get mad or upset at someone, it's okay to feel frustrated after a failed project, it's okay to throw a tantrum (if you must) to release whatever is eating you up. It's okay to feel and express your feelings. This might be a completely alien concept for most, because when we were kids, at one point or another our parents told us, "Stop crying!" It's even okay to feel like you want to kill someone for whatever reason. Because once you acknowledge that feeling, you become aware that something is lacking - be it a material possession, some kind of recognition, or anything that is of value to you.

Life is all about processes. Things happen in a sequential manner. Just like when you were learning to read, you had to know how letters look like, how they sound and what these combination of letters mean as words. A toddler doesn't just pluck a book from the shelf and start reading like you do. Gaining acceptance starts with acknowledgment, and I had a hard time with this. But the bigger question is, now that I acknowledged my feelings, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

I acknowledged that I felt really frustrated about my thesis proposal, I got really annoyed with a friend of mine who, for a time, was "malakas ang dating", I got disappointed with my parents, yada yada yada. I gave myself time to wallow in it, but I eventually came to the point that I felt it was already time to stop feeling and start acting. I knew this time I was ready to start fresh, and that I'm less likely to come across that negative feeling again. Yes, I did feel I wanted to strangle someone, but I chose not to do anything about it hehehe.

It's okay not to be okay at times. People will still love you, if they are worth having in your life, that is. They will be strong for you when you're weak.